My Life as an Eater: The Spirit of Heaviness
Two bowls of cereal, one donuts, and two cups of coffee. That would have been my morning breakfast. A Sonic brown bag and a big gulp, sounds like lunch and dinner... well you already know, fried chicken, rice, and gravy, add some mac and cheese with two buttermilk biscuits, and we're all filled up. Stomach's bloated and the mind is saying, "you're going to be fat"... sounds familiar? Now, let's add the system of heaviness. The system that has held many of us bound to the spirit Bulimia. That demon had me held down for years. I thank God, I am now free and delivered from the system of Heaviness and Whoredoms. Let's talk about it and free ourselves so that we can all walk free and find peace within. Self-Pity a Walk to Self -Worth There are several traits/characteristics to the spirit of heaviness which leads us to the disease of Bulimia. Self-pity is one of the traits that The Spirit of Heaviness manifests through.
Here is what I know about self-pity:
It is what caused me to develop that eating disorder of Bulimia. I was either fat or thin.. in my own mind that is. Self-pity caused me to have a negative image of who I was and how I presented myself to the world. Self-pity made me wonder where did I fit in, who cared for me and was I even worthy of love. Self-pity had me thinking I was fat when in all reality I was thin. Self-pity had me saying yes to someone who would later hurt my heart and cause me to walk into areas that caused me great pain. It has taken years for me to realize I was walking in the spirit of heaviness and self-pity was just ONE of the many ways it showed itself in my life.
As I researched more about the Spirit of Heaviness and how it manifest itself the Holy Spirit gave this to me.
This is the definition of PIT - make a hole in, make a hollow or indentation in the surface of.
What is Self? Self is a person's essential being that distinguishes them from another.
What is a Pit? Think of a BBQ pit, used for cooking food outside, filled with black soot. A PIT is a place used for a specific activity. Self-pity makes a hole in our heart- a shallow place that is not deep enough to swim in and not enough space to breath.
This is my spiritual definition of Self-pity - the personal hole used to hide oneself, hides one's soul, hides one's ability to be an individual that makes them different from all the rest.
I asked myself this question - How did I hide in self-pity? Here are the ways I hid in self-pity, you perhaps, may have found yourself here or may find yourself hiding here at this moment.
• Denial - not seeing things for how they really are/were.
• Broken Heart- not being able to give love and receive love.
• Grief - sobbing about every event that has happened or is happening in your life.
• Dejection - having a melancholy, gloomy, sad spirit. Never finding anything to smile or be happy about.
You may even find it hard to laugh at life and at yourself. You may tend to crave for drama, crave for sympathy and you may even live in the past. Deep down you don't believe you're worthy of love. There are times when you're faced with situations that cause you to go into the fight or flight mode. Becoming the victim is your way of dealing with conflict. Does any of this sound familiar? If so, here are some practical steps you can take to your freedom from Self-Pity.
Recognize that you have a choice. You can blame others or take responsibility for what you did, recognize it and grow. As I began my spiritual journey, I took a hard look at the self inflicted wounds I caused for myself. I owned them and made a vow to never lie to myself again. I had to stand in my own truth! I took responsibility for every wrong I did to myself and to others. Just knowing that I had a choice, either to stay in denial or face the hard ugly truth about what I did, has helped me become more spiritually aware of my soul and the choices I make for it.
Allow yourself the opportunity to feel the pain. Acknowledge it's 'there then' resolve it and begin your work to becoming your authentic-self internally. Feeling the pain was by far one of the hardest part of my spiritual journey. That meant I had to relive some of the hurts that took place in my life, even as a young child. What a journey that was. Recognizing that I was identified as the one who didn't live with the family or the one who got pregnant in my brother's bedroom the summer after finishing the 10th grade. Let's not talk about the pain that came along with two divorces and the affairs that came with them. Had I not felt the pain, I wouldn't be able to write this freely to you today. Thank God for the pain.
Get the Desire for more control of your life. Don't let someone else control your feelings. Make a decision to respond with your better self. It may be hard to do that when you're still in your healing process. But as your continue to take your journey, you'll be able to have full control of your life and how you respond to it. The day I walked away from both marriages I took control of my life. I have my voice back and I will never be silent again.
Commit to not bragging about the bad - even to yourself. Remember, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Start speaking life into your spirit. Speak truth to who you are and who you know God has made you to be. If you don't know that yet, continue to pray and seek His face, and He will show you that you are truly the apple of His eye. I came to terms with this 15 years ago. I knew I was worth His love and worthy of His grace. And so are you.
Do something productive for yourself. Treat yourself to a day out. It doesn't have to be at the spa, it could just be going to Wendy's and buying some ice cream. It could be just going to the mall and buying yourself a new pair of shoes. What lady doesn't like shoes. Or it could just be going out in your yard and planting flowers. Working in my yard is one of the ways I relax. Yes, it's work, but it's relaxing work for me - and I treat myself to an ice cream cone from time to time.
Notice the good things in your life and have a gratitude journal. I am a true journalist. I report the news about my own life for me to read. My journals will be my history my story to my family and the world. What I've found to be very therapeutic for me is to give thanks and be thankful. Every morning I write in my journal starting with a thank you to the Lord for waking me up. I let Him know how much I love Him and I then begin thanking Him for ALL He's done for me. I send my husband emails every morning letting him know how much I appreciate him and his love. I let my son's know that they are on my mind and that I am very proud of who they have become. If finding something good in your life is hard right now, that's okay... you can start by just saying, Thank you Lord for today. As you begin thanking Him, He'll begin showing you more of the good you have in your life.
By faith, take the necessary steps you need towards finding peace within and breaking the system of heaviness and the spirit of self-pity.
There is so much more for you than you could ever imagine... open your heart to receive all He has for you.... Remember a "Centered Soul is a Centered Mind" Find Peace Within,
Be blessed, Ms. Lisa